CHUCK NORRISS!

[lexlst]

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

[lexlst]

chuck norris once visited the virgin islands. they are now called the islands

[chuck]

if you have more post em here.

[hideki]

when chuck noris jumps in the water, chuck norris doesnt get wet, the water gets chuck norris

[llodfloo]

Chuck noris ate a rubics cube and Geaux Saints it out solved

[ballingangsta7]

Chuck Norris can count to an infinity...twice!

[hideki]

the main export of chuck norris is pain

[hehe]

Chuck Norris doesn't cut his lawn...he stands on it and dares it to grow.

[chuck]

it takes 47 puppeteers to make chuck norris smile.

it only takes 2 to make him destroy a small orphanage.

[chuck]

it takes 47 puppeteers to make chuck norris smile.

it only takes 2 to make him destroy a small orphanage.

[looking4ward]

I underlined and boldfaced my favorites. This first one may be the best though.

• Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

• Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
• Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
• The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
• If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
• Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies _the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
• Chuck Norris' blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets.
• There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
• The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
• If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
• Chuck Norris was the original sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the entire project using only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel.
• Chuck Norris doesn't say "who's your daddy", because he knows the answer.
• What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
• Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
• Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
• Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
• Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
• Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. Historians have recorded this as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
• Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
• When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a handgun and a bucket.
• How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
• Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear. • If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
• Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
• When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
• Chuck Norris originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition for each word is as follows - A swift roundhouse kick to the face.
• Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
• Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
• Archeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"
• Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
• There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
• Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
• Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
• Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
• When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
• Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
• Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold
• Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
• Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.
• Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.
• Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t shave he just kicks himself.
• Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris. • Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.
• Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
• Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.
• Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
• Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
• Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
• The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.
• To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?
• Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.
• Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.
• Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the Richter scale.
• Chuck Norris CAN in fact 'raise the roof. And he can do it with one hand.
• Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
• Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
• Every time someone uses the word "intense", Chuck Norris always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
• As an infant, Chuck Norris' parents gave him a toy hammer. He gave the world Stonehenge.
• Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him "a promising Rookie".
• There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.
• The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.
• There’s an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris.... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.
• Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the light bulb turns on.
• Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.
• Chuck Norris doesn't daydream. He's too busy giving other people nightmares.
• Chuck Norris actually built the stairway to heaven
• Chuck Norris doesn't have blood. He is filled with magma

[looking4ward]

hey...here are a few more....1st one is my favorite.
a few of these are repeats....sorry.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift
of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen,
jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined
influence
to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of
roundhouse kick related deaths.




Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke
the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while
she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every
second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris
smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different
kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30
minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on
Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was
more "humane".

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people
dead.

Chuck Norris never misspells a word. If he does, he simply changes the
spelling.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every
popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and **** on their floor,
just because he's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from
"Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of
Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have
a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in
every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the **** out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can
"accidentally" beat the **** out of little kids.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler
did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by
Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris punched a woman in the Reggie Bush when she didn't give him exact
change.

Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just
bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly
says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in
the face.

Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could
chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't !&$% with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for
one scene and nobody noticed.

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked
her into a glacier.

Chuck requested he be allowed to sleep with Christie Brinkley after ever total gym infomercial and she agreed!

15 More Little Known Facts About Chuck Norris
1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles".
Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he
exploded.
3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter
he grew a beard.
4. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the
JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his
beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
5. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and
starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far
too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
7. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by
yelling, "Bang!"
8. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from
cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also
requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on
his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
9. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying "booya".
10. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is
injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer.
This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt
to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
11. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
12. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck
said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came
back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he
threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with
cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her
a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
13. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take
yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my
virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
14. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
15. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to
put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his"
way.

[haha loser]

;Dchuck norris is sooooooooo fat he was baptized in sea world

[Kong]

You boys is sho funny

[pwners]

CHUCK NORRIS CAN DIVIDE BY 0!!

[Mung]

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

Once Chuck Norris' english teacher in the 5th grade ask the class to write a paper on someone they admire. Chuck Norris promptly wrote "Chuck Norris" on his paper and turned it in. He received an A.

Steven Hawkings was the one and only man to ever outsmart Chuck Norris, then he learned his lesson.

[acmilan]

Chuck Norris doesn't hide from the boogeyman, the boogeyman hides from Chuck Norris

[xpress23]

chuck norris lost his virginity before his father did

[geauxgators]

Chuck Norris can touch MC hammer.

[upper90]

chuck norris isn't hung like a horse, horses are hung like chuck norris